I Will

Today marks one week, seven days exactly, since Sam and I bought our gym membership. I upped my reps and my weight today. It was so exciting for me. I must say I have officially survived Round 1 of Cough Fest 2010, but isn't that what all of this is about anyway!! Coughing, moving junk inside of my chest, feeling my ribs rattle and shake as I pump the weight. It feels absolutely incredible!!! I have been out of the gym for going on four years. In those four years my life has changed incredibly. I have had ups and downs. I met Sam and started a new life as his wife. My health also took a plunge and my FEV1 fell from the lower 50's to the low 30's. What happened?? What made the sudden change? A year ago I went to the doctor and pulled my numbers up about 20%. That year I also was only hospitalized twice. That was a good year. Then my numbers fell again. The doctors were pleased when they pulled up because it showed I didn't have permanent damage to my lungs, not yet. I can remember in my early 20's blowing in the high 80's like it was nothing. Now I feel like it takes a miracle for me to just keep my numbers stable. So I had to make a decision, a choice. Life was going to happen whether I liked it or not. I could either sit around and let this disease have my body, or I could do what I always said I would and go out kicking and screaming. And I must say I am learning to love to kick and scream. =) This girl is not going down without a fight!!!
The gym has picked me up in so many ways. It is my favorite part of my day. I will admit that it is hard watching everyone doing cardio. Cardio is not such a great friend of mine. My heart rate gets extremely high with very little cardio so I have to pace myself which I don't like at all. Here is a little secret of mine, I am a runner at heart. I know it sounds so crazy to even think of the idea. I am sure my family would laugh if they knew my passion to run. But it has always been there. I was never into sports growing up, but I always loved to run. I can remember racing my boy cousins and winning more times than not. I was quick on my feet and I loved the way it felt. It was freedom for me. If I would have had half the drive I do now when I was well, when I was teenager, I would have joined track. Of course the drive I have is the type of drive that usually only comes with age. It did me anyway. So it is hard when I can only walk ten minutes on the treadmill because my heart rate will fly sky high and those around me are RUNNING. I want to run. I want to feel myself skip, run, hop without losing my breath. I want to get up in the morning while the rest of the world is still sleeping and listen as my feet hit the pavement, keeping rhythm, while the sun comes up against my back. I want this. I want this more than anything. I want to be healthy. I want to live. I want to enter marathons and races and finish, not finish first, not even second but just simply finish. It is a desire that is embedded deeply into who I am. God tells me I should, I need to, I want to. He says it is part of my story.
So today marked a week at the gym. I did not run. I did do more reps with more weight. But no I did not run. But...I will. It may not be tomorrow. It may not be next month. But I will run. Not only will I run but I will get up in the morning while the rest of the world is still sleeping and listen as my feet hit the pavement, keeping rhythm, while the sun comes up against my back.