So as many of you know, the past few days have been very eventful of me. I have went from healthy to sick what seems like over night. I've spent most of my time laying in bed contemplating on what got me where I am now. How did this happen?? I always take such good care of myself. How did I slip through the cracks like this? Just accepting that this is CF is not enough for me. I want to believe we do have some control over our bodies. But now I am left thinking I am not so sure. Not that I think trying my best to stay well has been useless, because it has been the true opposite. However I believe I am becoming more aware now of what this disease is. I think for the first time in 27 years I know what it it is like to have Cystic Fibrosis. Up until this point I have always been a text book case. I get sick, I come in the hospital and I get well and go home. Then I think of how I am complaining even now, and my heart goes out to all of those who suffer with this disease. To those who deal with this reality day in and day out. You guys are my heroes. I can say I feel honored to fight with each of you for this life and at the same time no where near worthy to even say I stand beside you.
Not finding the air.
Friday morning it felt as if someone was holding a pillow over my face. I sat in bed and concentrated taking deep breaths in and out but no matter what I did I could not pull myself out of it. Feeling the secretions creep down into my airways and slowly closing them off. A taste in my mouth I will never forget. My heart trying to come through my chest to find the oxygen it so desperately needed to function.
Watching the road sway behind me as I am carried to a safe place. Seeing people in their cars weaving back and fourth as we ride, some talking on their phones, some eating, no one paying attention. None of them knew of me, my life, my daughter, my passion for my God, slipping away in the back of the ambulance with plastic blowing fake air into my body.
Feeling the oxygen, my safety net. No where near the same as "real" air, but still enough to give my heaving chest a rest. To let my heart catch it's breath and for my winded body to slump down and breathe in each sweet whoosh of air. The cold air that blew in the back because my precious husband told the driver how much I depended on being cold. How I needed it. Riding in the back of an icebox I was. But it was overwhelming and ugly and absolutely breathtaking. Praying to God as we rushed down the interstate. Prayer so intense that as long as I live I will never experience more beauty than in that divine moment. When the world fell away, my body was suffering, and it was just me and my precious savior, and while the reality of what is and what was held my body down He reached in and lifted my spirit up. To find your faith when you think you have lost it............is simply a moment you will never forget.
Sinking down into my hospital bed. Knowing that I was here and help was on the way. The weight of the world on my shoulders carefully rolling off and falling onto my chest. Still struggling, but with great hope. Hope that this too would pass.
Time to think. Time to pray. Time to love. Knowing triggers. Pollen, mildew and mold. Learning valuable lessons. Like how pressure washing the house was more than likely not my brightest idea. Or how mowing the grass may be one of the things in this life I have to give up for just simply life in return. Spending each waking moment talking with God, knowing that He has His hand on my life and the amazement that everyone around me can see it also.
Talking and Walking.
Never more will I take for granted simple steps I take in the day or a conversation that will be had. These two things I have missed the most. Missed the easiness of them. Two small things that we never realize how important they are to us until they seem so far away.
Antibiotics, Steroids, and More Antibiotics
Swollen. Feeling the medicines course through my system. Almost feels as if a poison has been unleashed in me.They make you feel as if you are curling up inside. They tangle themselves in your system and almost as a cancer, they eat away at every part of your being, killing not just the bad parts but the good parts as well. Yet it is okay. I am alive. I am breathing better each day. Talking longer, able to stand longer on my own. So I know they are working.
God's will. God's glory. To live, to love, to be well. To get better. To be a good mother to Peyton. To be a good grandmother to my future grandchildren. To be a good wife. To be a good wife to Sam. To be a good wife to Sam and love him. He has been my rock. Rubbing my back, turning my fan on and off, feeding me, helping me bathe, and doing everything short of breathing for me. He is amazing and I am blessed.
I am here today, fighting and struggling like never before. I believe that God has me here in this position for a purpose. If nothing else I will know how strong the human spirit truly is. How I can endure and push forward even in times of uncertainty. I know God will not abandon me. He knew this was going to happen. I trust in His plan and I will follow Him where ever He tells me I should go, even if I am walking clinging onto the air and grasping at this life. For God is my hope and without hope I am nothing.