Saturday, February 13, 2010
I feel so numb. Life is so different than the sweet lost time of yesterday. The air around me is stale and I do not like being the host to this new emotion. Shock has taken residence here and sadness is slowly trying to move it. I feel the earth shift underneath me and I feel like I am falling into a rabbit hole. Yet this is much more darker and grim than anything Walt Disney could have ever dreamed up. I stop and watch everyone move around me in slow motion. For the first time in my life I look down and realize I am clinging to this life with blue fingers. You lay in a hospital bed, in a room, in a place I cannot touch you. Your mind is sleeping and your body is fighting. I want to be a good friend. I want to come to you. I want to fix you, but I cannot. For the thing that is holding you hostage can too attack me. Helplessness overwhelms me. I pray for you. I pray until I feel like the very being of who I am is going to collide into some sort of spiritual coma. I look to the sun and with tear filled eyes pray that you too will soon feel the warmth of life some day soon. Our lives so different yet the same, almost as if we are the same person living the same life two different ways. You have been with me from the beginning. Two little girls twirling circles in our nightgowns, holding hands, running and laughing, and shielding one another from life's twisted details. Knowing the monster in our closets no where neared compared to the monster lurking in our chests. Wearing flowers in our hair and loving God, life and grace. Refusing to fit in and marching to the beat of our drums that we played often and loudly hoping and dreaming that the world would hear. That they too would know of the life and love we so desperately clung too. I am better for knowing you. I am stronger, happier and healthier. I have nothing to offer you my ill kissed friend. I am no better to you now than the homeless who live on the street and beg. My eyes are open and I feel as if this life is a cruel illusion. God is here hanging onto my soul with compassion. I feel His embrace and I steadily let it consume me. I pray for sweet peace. I pray. I pray. I pray.